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Letting go

I can’t imagine what I've held myself back from when I haven't been able to let go. Hanging onto friendships and one sided feelings. It’s tough as I've said before, knowing you cant do anything to make someone else like you, at least if you do, you'll look like the stupid one. Letting go of the past is my main objective. The longer you're stuck in the what-ifs and pondering over past decisions, the longer you withhold yourself from what's coming and oftentimes what's already happening.

I look back on my year of living in Dallas and wish I could have done more. But then when I think of what more I could have done, a mess begins in my head. I worked full time, saw friends on the weekends, and traveled some. But I didn't find myself in a relationship, I didn't lose weight I suddenly gained after graduating high school, I didn't feel like a better person than when I'd first drove into Dallas with my mom looking forward to not knowing what life had to bring. Some close friends might argue that I've been fine, and that I have a lot to offer the world around me or a special guy, but it feels the opposite. I am hung up on the time I feel I've wasted.

I have been for a while…

Exactly that, for a while, over half of the past year I have been in the same spot. But I have done nothing, because I felt sorry for myself. Because I hadn't thought of the time I currently had and the future. I didn't look at myself from within and see that it'll be more than just liking someone to make a relationship. I'd have to go through consistent workouts, and eating well to feel better about myself and gain my confidence back. I'd have to not look at every day as another day of the past I'd lost, but the future I am blessed to be gaining.

If last November I had realized what I am just starting to piece together, the me today would have been in a much better spot overall. I feel bad for her, she's sad and wants to be happy. But I don't feel bad for myself now, I've lost too much time, and I know it. I hope that in a few months I can start to feel myself again, feel happy. That today I can feel happy.

I have to let go of every day that's past me, because it is impossible to get them back. I have today, I am sure of that, and Lord willing tomorrow and so forth. You have to stop thinking about what you could have done and the things you wished you didn't do. Of course if we could see our future, we’d be better today. But see yourself today, who are you today and how can you add to that? How can you get to know God more and let him lead your life?


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