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Hope in Heartbreak

I'd like to begin by saying that most days are still a fog. You can’t wrap your head around everything all the time, and that's ok. Giving yourself time to feel and think is crucial in any type of heartbreak. Reflect and meditate. Most importantly trust God’s plan and have Hope in the heartbreak.

The last blog I wrote was “Patience in the waiting”, I hadn't read it again until just recently and it burned! She knew what she was doing and I don’t know exactly what happened in the meantime but I have learned so much recently, and if anything this is a version of the Blog, remade and remastered with some experience under my belt to give it more meaning and significance.

Not much longer after I had written that, I was blessed with the opportunity to be able to have gotten to know someone on a closer and more personal level over the period of a couple of months, and it was exciting. Nothing feels quite the same as those innocent feelings, especially when you're young. Unfortunately, it ended about a month ago and I was knocked off my feet. I was crushed and still from time to time saddened at what the outcome is. A couple of weeks before it ended, I realized I had been doing it all wrong. I changed my prayers from wanting my will to be done back to trusting what God had in store for me.

And his will was for it to end.

Throughout it all, I knew I still wasn't content with who I was. I was anxious, on edge, and overthought every action and word that came out of myself and him. I couldn't understand what I could offer, or be for a relationship. I threw away priorities and self-goals from being lost in my insecurities. I was constantly scared that the version of myself wouldn't be one that was in line with this person. I heard it put once, “The way you think affects the way you feel, the way you feel affects what you do, and what you do affects the way you think.” I was in a continual cycle of thinking I wasn’t enough, to be quick to want to change, back to being overcritical of myself, and even deeper in the same idea of not being enough. This is no person ready for a relationship.

Whenever you learn it happens for you and not to you, things change. I had prayed once long ago and long before this, for patience. My prayers were answered. I was quick to force and pressure this idea, and in turn, it didn’t work. Something that would be a loss in the eyes of others, I see as an answer to my prayer. Not being patient in the Lord’s will for myself was the lesson I needed to learn to be patient for love. We were meant to be, just not meant to last.

I needed to lose him, to find me, as cliche as that sounds I am forced to fix my priorities, figure out what I want and need, and find the confidence to know I am enough, no matter what.

Another beautiful quote is, “People don't have to like you, people don't have to love you, and they don't even have to respect you, but when you look in the mirror, you better love what you see.” Not everyone is blessed to find themselves in a relationship, so when you're single, take advantage of that, work on yourself, maximize the opportunity of the time you have, and do yourself a favor by making yourself the absolute best version of yourself so that later you can be thankful you spent your time happy and proactive instead of lost in being a hopeless romantic. The next year will go by whether you're in a relationship or not, don't let your anticipation and lust hinder any other blessings you should be receiving.

The parts of yourself you need to find are not only found on “sunny days” but on “gloomy” and hard ones too. Don’t be regretful in times like these, regret is one of the heaviest things to carry when you're older. With everything we gain in this life, there's usually a loss that corresponds with it. With every new beginning, there had to have been a closed door right before it. With my anger, there needs to be forgiveness, it takes forgiveness for me to be able to release this person from that expectation I had of them. I will not take away anything from the endless list of qualities he has. A truly virtuous and special human being. But he doesn't choose me, and as much as I wish I could, I cannot control what he thinks, feels, or how he acts. I am just not his person and he is not mine.

When it is time, a guy should pursue you, and if he likes you he will tell or show you in some way. If that isn't happening and there isn't promise, leave it be. One of the most important things you'll do in this life is to choose your mate. Give it to God and he’ll guide and bless you with the perfect, imperfect person. Someone who was made for you, someone who will choose you every day and never leave your side, someone you'll form a bond with that'll never break. Forcing will never get you this. For the person you choose, “They'll either inspire you to be at your highest level of greatness or they'll confine you to complacency. They'll make you their other half or half of yourself.“

Instead of getting busy, I am choosing to be quiet with God. Being busy is good, but if you don't allow time to think and be quiet with God, once you slow down and are not busy anymore that worry or problem is still there. Some nights I can only just lay there in silence, some nights my prayer is full and fervent. I am learning to let go and let God. No matter the trial, big or small, the lesson, big or small, it is for God to handle, give it to God.

My friend told me recently, “You wake up with just yourself every morning, as much as you wish good for someone else, wish and do good for yourself first” You have God, but also, you only have yourself, every day, all the time. You have control of your behaviors and your thoughts. Pray, have faith, and be forever learning.

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